Vices we love: August 2006

Thursday, August 31, 2006

The International Symposium on Circumcision, Genital Integrity and Human Rights

It really exists.

How delightfully understated

From Techshoret, a group of Israeli technical writers:

"Due to a scheduling conflict (with the opening day of school...which was
postponed due to the war)...we've decided to move the Word Macros course to
Tuesday, September 19. For more information, please contact..."

As for the queries about the pictures- here is the deal. I'm talking with the company Educational Testing Service and they are looking for people in a wide variety of jobs who can perform simple or complicated, but always interesting tasks. There may be payment involved but don't hold me to that yet. If nothing else, you'll get to meet me and will be able to tell the FBI that you have done so. That's 25K right there.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Taking pictures (no, not that kind)

Announcement: Hear ye, hear ye!

Asiatown, the man, the myth, the m(something) has been retained by a world-famous publisher of EFL books to take pictures of people in various stages of work. Bring me your photocopiers, your phone picker-uppers, your teachers, doctors, lawyers, Indian chiefs. Lend me your ears and badges. Women are especially welcome, not for any perverse reasons but simply because the company would like to have more members of the fairer sex represented in its publications.

Therefore, if you are employed, live in Greater London and want to meet the world-famous Asiatown (and face it, who doesn't?)-and appear in a textbook to further the miseducation of Third World-ers, drop me a line. I have a contract and tons of contact info to prove that this is totally legit. I even have some pictures so you can see what this is all about.

Write me if you want to be featured in work-related poses, live in Greater London and don't mind a pic or five. Yes, yes, I will send you copies. So, to channel Marie Antoinette, drop me a line today, and I may just bring cake.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Must read

Just a note. read this now.


I have often thought of putting and on craigslist where I pretended to be a woman, just so that I can revel in the depravity I know Y chromosone-carriers to be capable of. Thankfully, over at Smearm, a friend already beat me to it.

In other news, I joined Free Republic a few weeks ago just to see if American conservatives live up to their ogre stereotype. Yes. Yes, they do. Before I was banned for being a "troll", I was involved in this conversation. You really can learn wonderful things on the internet. For instance, a brief search of this literate gentleman's postings reveals the following little ditty: "You ain't seen nothing until you're down on a muffin and you're sure to be changin' your ways."

Which is as good a seagueway as anything else into my new freelance writing assignment. No, not the love letter in my last post-although I did send it to a humor mag for consideration- but rather the British mag Kinkk, which commissioned me to write an article about professional female submissives. A full report will follow.

A love letter

Dear Condee:

Hellooooo! Hellloooo! Over hereeeeeeeeee! No, no, hereeeee! Next to the Tae-dong's, a little lower, a little lower...oh not that low! You make me blush like a schoolboy! Tee-hee!
But seriously Condee, I gotta tell you one thing: I'm in love. I can see you lick your lips, so luscious and yet oy so skeptical. Won't you listen to me?
This dictator thing I do, was all Daddy's idea. It's not the real me. Sure, somedays its fun, like the times when the press calls me a hero and "a peerlessly great man" or eve "God-king", but it's not the real me. I'm an average guy who likes to look after his petunias, hike in the mountains and eat quality beef. Just like my fellow North Koreans you know: except for the beef part. Can you send them some?
I even have personal and family struggles. Did you know that my boy, Kim Jong-Nam, was arrested at Narita Airport in Tokyo for traveling on a forged passport when he wanted to see Tokyo Disneyland? Boy that was an embarrassment! Now, you may think that I dealt with the situation by having my boy, my own precious flesh and blood, shot for making me lose face. Condee! Is that how you see me? Some bloodthirsty monster? Of course not. We went for counseling, just like any other family. Dr. Sung taught us to communicate more openly so that we can share our hopes and dreams and yes, fears and dissapointments. You should see the letters Jongy sends me from the slave labor camp! Such a joy that precious child.
But again, let us talk about you. So strong, yet so sensual. When you open your mouth just a little bit and I hear the words "Axis of Evil" roll off your tongue, I can't help but smile. Yet you, you never smile. Why just the other day, when that man, Chris Matthews, asked on the television if you thought I was sane, you said "I don't know. I've never met the man." And it's true- you and I have never met. There is so much we could do when we do meet. I can offer you some kimchi, maybe we can listen to some music on the radio (please bring a radio) and maybe even canoodle. He-he. But you're not just some sex object to me Condi. Far from it You're a woman of grace, strength and beauty that just radiates from your essence. Perhaps the three of us- you, me and your American passport- could get to know each other better. Please say you'll visit soon. Winter is coming....

Yours with love and passion
God-King the humble

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Calling out the New Jersey State Treasurer

I checked sitemeter and who should visit but the NJ treasurer's office. Which is odd because once upon a time, when I was working on political campaigns in NYC, I got a call from a confused gentleman who, it seemed, wanted to run for either Jersey Governor or Jersey Assembly-he was not sure which. A Republican who supported abortion, gay marriage, and opposed the patriot act and Iraq, the lad believed that he had a lock on the "black and the Spanish vote"- a good thing too, since, in his estimation "that's all you need". It was to be his first campaign-he was an unemployed contractor.

I bring this all up because I just know that a fellow of such political acumen and mathematical genius surely works at the NJ treasurers office by now and was checking out the blog. Howya doin' Tony?

Monday, August 21, 2006

How I didn't open a bank account and almost got married on the same day

I live in Hounslow, a suburb in West London. It's probably the most exclusive place I ever lived in. We're talking municipal services here people. And running water. But I digress...

The area is bounded by Osterley Park to the east and the downtown square to the west. It's predominantly Shik Indian so curry is a staple. One of the things you'll find in the UK that's rare in the US is that people generally get along and every so often may even speak to each other. This is huge. Am I right?
Since I just finished the summer camp, I (and this never happens in EFL) got paid for it. What to do with the check tho? I haven't a UK bank account, so I set out to open one.

A Ghanian neighbor of mine, an 11-year veteran of the U.K. advised me to go to the banks with my papers and ask that they open an account for me with an overdraft limit of 1000 pounds. Alfie argued that UK banks, contrary to every other bank in the universe, will gladly open an overdraft account on the spot, allowing me to waltz out with 1000 pounds the same day. This was a new concept at HSBC, National, Bank of Scotland and other establishments and they declined the proposal. Not only that, but they wouldn't even open an account for me, in spite of my passport and rental contract. What to do?

I know! Troll for women. It didn't take long. Jamaican lass- how did I know she was Jamaican? Maybe the cap with the national flag on it and the accent. I asked, in my sweetest European demeanor, if she could help. Sure she could. So off to Western Union we went. Along the way, the two of us became surprisingly intimate. This is quite rare for me and is a definite point in the U.K.'s favor. After three weeks on my own (post-summer camp and supervision), I have several phone numbers from women who are, as we speak, changing their numbers. Still, I have those numbers. It's what matters, nu?

After exploring each other in ways only Desiree could describe adequately,(hint: She actually uttered the phrase "you are being bad") my new friend invited me to her bungalow in a neighborhood adjecent to mine. She had a sister..... this is not what you think. But she did have a sister who already sunk her lovely claws into a lad of Lithuanian extraction and so the four of us got to chatting. Turns out that these ladies are members of the Mormon church. The sister took the lead in socializing with me. Now, I know Mormon's liked to recruit new members, but did not know they were so dedicated. Or...well, the conversation follows.

JG's BLS (Jamaican Gal's Better Looking Sister): (loudly, each syllable excruciatingly enunciated) DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?

TM (Typical Male): No.
JG's BLS: (Eyes wide): NO?!!!!
TM: Nope.
TM: No.
TM: Yup.
TM: Aha.
TM: Probably not.

This was not the only bone-chilling chat I had that day.

JG: So this is where I live.
TM: Nice.
JG: And you can move into this room here. (Pointing to adjacent bedroom.)
TM: Huh. You don't say.

I wonder if moving into that room without the benefit of marriage would be BAAAAD.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Michael has returned from Lebanon

News came that Michael has returned from Lebanon. Speaking of Lebanon, Yael reports that the civilians there are profoundly thankful to be rid of Hizbullah's oppressive yoke and are ready to revel in their fuzzy, warm democracy.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Finally a little charity where it counts

Words fail me. Again.

Aug. 17, 2006 10:38
Sandler donates Playstations to Israel

Adam Sandler is doing his part to help Israel following its 34-day war with Lebanon. The 50 First Dates star announced earlier this week he would donate 400 Sony Playstations to Israelis whose homes were damaged in the fighting. The 39-year-old made the pledge during a meeting in Hollywood with Ehud Danoch, Israel's consul general in Los Angeles.

Danoch, who has cultivated relationships with a number of film industry insiders, held several meetings with actors, producers and directors over the last several days to describe damage sustained by Israel and to explain the country's position on the current cease-fire and threats posed by Hizbullah and other regional forces. Sandler spoke with Danoch at Sony Studios, where he was joined by members of his own family and several dozen studio employees.

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Wonderful. Just what the people of Israel need the most.

But can it do the chicken dance?

We at Vices We Love aim to bring you the latest, the greatest, the most informative information out there. And so it that we have discovered the Holy Grail humanity has been craving all along. We thank you. Our forefathers thank you. Our (hopefully) not-yet born offspring thank you.

Look to the right...a little lower...a little lower...that's it....

Oy, we're not going to start haggling, are we?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Gunboat Granola

A couple of years ago- 3 of them to be exact- I was invited on a trip to Israel by a group called Birthright Israel . My Harlem landlord, an elderly black gentleman who referred to me as "my Schwartze grandson" and often talked about his mother "cleaning the railway cars with Polish Jews" took charge of the matter and offered to lend me his old navy blue bullet-proof vest. (He is a landlord in New York for goodness sakes). I turned him down, went over there and had a fine time, interrupted only by my religiously tone-deaf musings on how a ham sandwhich would hit the spot.

Anyhoo, the trip was guided by a couple of Israelis including an American-born lad named Michael. He lived on a moshav (farming community) and...well just look at his picture to get an idea for why I picked the post title. Somehow the idea of Michael armed to the teeth is a bit incogrous. I'm posting it just for that reason- it would somehow humanize the term IDF.

I figured that logo needed humanizing because a few weeks ago I was up in York and had the good fortune (from an anthropological point of view) to attend an "anti-war" rally.
I am not the rallying sort. The only time I showed up for one was when the Ku Klux Klan decided to bring their retro tour to Memphis. It pissed me off to no end because after all they did in the south they had no business showing up unless they did so in closed caskets. Anyway, that's my total rallying experience. In New York, a group of overfed white kids named ANSWER regularly tried to incite Harlemites into taking up their cause, whatever that cause may be. (As many leftists, they were terribly upset but could never cogently articulate why.) I passed but heard some pretty awesome speeches about pigs and occupiers and whatnot. Never once did I hear, for example, about fellows like the lad I met one Shabbat. We were sitting on the stairwell of his grandma's home in New York when he turned to me and asked, rather sweetly:

"Want to see my eye?"
"I can take out my eye and show to you."
"Please don't. And why?"
"I'm from Rann'anna. You know about the bomb?" (A bus station was blow up there.)
"The shrapnel hit me in the eye. Wanna see?"
He was grinning the whole time like it was the coolest thing ever.

Which brings us to my newest favorite blog, that of the The Sandmonkey. For a taster, those nice ladies in York should read this little gem. A heartwarming tale about a freedom fighter, a simple man who just wants peace, freedom and harmony. And really big guns.

We close with news from the Far East. To celebrate my possible return to the Far East, lets take a peek at this heartwarming little video.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Bye-bye Holy Joe

So Joe Lieberman, the so-called 'conscience of the Senate' and opportunist par excellence, a self-professed Orthodox Jew who didn't wear a yarmulke, the man who slammed violent movies and took millions from Hollywood is gone. *tear*

He is gone mostly because he supported the war in Iraq- and we all know how well THAT's going. (Disclaimer: I wanted revenge for 9-11 too, but would have preferred bombing Syria-which trains terrorists-or Saudi Arabia, which supplies them. Although I should probably watch my words since I just applied for a University post in Syria. Hmmm.....)

Monday, August 07, 2006


So you spend hours on your CV. You run it by dozens of people. Proofread like a mofo. And then you send it off. In the CV you make crystal clear that your M.Ed. studies are through distance and you are available full-time because of this. The best of both worlds- you have pretensions to education but can still do slave labor. Cool!

So you go to the interview.

"The M.Ed. program....." asks the thoughtful baboon...
"So, you gave that up?"


Anyway, since my cv is for illiterates anyhoo, let's have some fun:

123 Skid Row, Box #4
Contact via Police Dispatcher

Career Objective:
Filthy lucre and fornication

School of Hard Knocks
Knockology B.A.
Steeltown, Anyplace
1.2 GPA (diploma due upon receipt of payment)

Grab the Shovel Son Ltd., Industrial Zone, Poorville
In Perpetuity

Instrumental in watching others grab the shovel.
Supervised complex digging procedures.

Hold Your Nose and Mine Too, Profitstown, D.C.
In a Dream

Grand Theft
Cooking white powder
Remonstrating for morals

Moocher-rama, Homeytown
During Repressed Memories


I gotz skills

Extracurricular Activities:
I plead the Fifth

See? Took all of five seconds.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Rejection letter from an editor

Im sorry your CV doesn’t match what our clients are looking for at this time, good luck in your job search

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Finally what you always wanted

By my counting, (or Blogger's anyhoo) 7252 people visited this site since its inception.


Never mind. Because after thirteen months of morose navel-gazing, your reward has arrived.





Actually at 7 pages it is more of an e-pamphlet but who is counting, yes? Now, the laws of capitalism dictate that instead of unleashing this gem on one and all, I must recieve moolah. And after much consideration, and looking at the fancy font I used, I settled on a price of...

5 Whatchamacallits.

That's it. 5 Whatchamacallits. Call it dollars, euros, pounds, whathaveyou, 5 of them is all I ask for. So how will this work? Well, I set up an alternate email addy, huefl @ which is where you should send the 5 Whatchamacallits via Paypal. Once that his done, you are in receipt of the most adacious book (pamphlet!) of literature ever not plagerized. (How could someone with my style plagerize for fucks sake, when I can't even spell that word?)

So you know...get on it.

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