Vices we love: April 2007

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Productive fellow, don'tcha think?

I think so.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Go Stevie Ray

Also known as "The Not Indicted", Steve Cohen is pushing for an official apology for slavery. Stevie Ray (the countriest Yid around) represents Memphis, which is around 60% Black so this won't hurt him. I got nothing against it mind you, but it won't give little kids fathers and nicer places to live. Still, it's nice in a limited sort of way.
, but nice.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Classify yourself right this instant!

America is, in many ways, a very simple country and interacting with Americans is also dead easy. Fill in the blanks below. (Answers at the end of the post)

American: How are you?
You: (1)________________
American: That's (2)_________. Hey listen. I (3)_______________
You: What (4)________________?
American: I'll make sure you (5)_____________
You: (6)______________!
American: Cool. ________!

One reason this is so easy is because Americans love categories. New Yorker? Jew. Ohioan? Works at a steel mill. Black? Angry. Catholic? Repressed. Works at a steel mill? Football fan. Wears glasses? Nerd. And of course people love to subdivide further. Ohioan from Cleveland? Corrupt. Ohioan from Lucasville? Redneck. Jews are masters of subdivision. Hence, being interviewed by an American Jew (for the Galilee Fellowship btw) is an experience in a marathon session of non-communication.

"Hi S."
"Hi....ummm...ummmm...what's your name?"
"With a Z?"


"So would you say you are 10+ degrees kosher and attend the official synagogue of the list of officially approved synagogues?"
"Not exactly...."
"Is you is or is you ain't?"


"So how would you classify yourself on the 1001 degrees of Judaism scale, with 1 being willing to donate your entire life savings to the Israeli treasury and 1001 being exactly like me?"
"I'm more of a letters guy."
"So is that 567.293? I need to know right now within a 2 decimal point range of certitude."

I'm just no good at math...

1) Fine, good, or ok. No other answers will be heard. Attempts at other answers will be instantly ignored and will mark you as the guy who gives other answers and is to be avoided in the future.
2)Great, awesome, cool.
3)want you to do something for me/give me something.
4)Can I do for you... [Granted, you have no intention of doing anything for him, but play the game. If you don't see #1]...and what's in it for me?
5)Will get something you want. Unless I totally can't/won't do it.
6)Sounds great!
7)Catch you later (when I will want something else)!

Monday, April 16, 2007

Why vlogging may be overrated

Some of you may remember my past attempt to start a vlog. However, allergies put a stop to that idea as I muttered about narcoleptically. Since then, I have came to the conclusion that vlogging may be overrated What do you think?

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Guess the village of my weekend excursion

The above is a map of Slovakia with the cities which supposedly have synagogues neatly, if misleadingly marked. I say misleadingly because, for example, this is ours. It's the favored type of Eastern European synagogue- namely, a deserted one.

Everysooften when the spirit hits me (which is pretty damned rare) I would like to show up at a synagogue. This is not an easy thing to do in Eastern/Mittel/whateverEurope where a classmate of mine once suggested that I can visit a cemetery on the Shabbat. (For the record, I declined.)

Anyhoo, I picked up the scent, so to speak, of a shul on the southern border. After two trains I arrived in a decidedly one horse town where the first and largest establishment to be seen was, of course the "Stein/Pivo/Sorozo". It was about 5 PM and just about time for men to file in for the amber refreshments.

The street where my elusive Hebraic destination was supposed to be was referred to, in email correspondence, as Ulica Partizanske. (Partisans Road.) MittelEurope, eversokeen on symbolism, loves renaming streets. You can take the countrys' temperature by seeing what the name of the local streets are. They change, in rapid fashion, catering to whatever political wind happens to be blowing at the time. You may find yourself on Freedom road in the morning, HitlerLuvsYou Blvd. at noon, Partisans Road in the afternoon and Freedom Road again at eventude. The address for the Temple was supposed to be Partizanske, but that has of course become Passe, and the street is now known as Ulica Zoltan Kodaly (I am rather pleased that they did not pick some pseudo-populist Anti-Semitic war hero/political leader/oligarch to name the sttreet after. Credit where credit is due.)

Anyway, Ulica Zoltan Kodaly petered out long before I could reach my supposed destiny. I mentioned this via email (cuz that's the kind of Jew I am) and they informed me that services are held in the "largest house of worship" (A Catholic Church) in town. Which sounds totally logical.

About tennish I made my way back up the dusty road, just in time to see the men file out of the Pivo/Stein/Sorozo and congregate around the bushes behind the bus station to relieve themselves while letting each other know that Joska bacsi will be there AGAIN tomorrow, so Feri is totally not missing out. They had this conversation five years ago and will have it again ten years from now.

I returned at two AM, after two equally exciting train rides that I nearly missed. I had initially considered a bus ride, but Slovak bus schedules give me the shakes. It is never just a bus schedule, but rather a conglomeration of excuses as to why buses will not run. A sample:

Hickville: 6:45 (f1), 7:50 (2-4), 8:55 (5, f2, f3), 10:45 (f2-f5, f20), 12:20 (N)

This corresponds to a series of codes listed in no special order at the bottom of the schedule. f1 may mean no service during Easter, f2 may mean no service during summer, f3 may be no service during...etc. What this boils down to is that if you come at the right time, none of the above buses will be running.

P.S.: I am listening to Tom Petty counseling me that I do not have to be a refugee. Do y'all agree or not?

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Don't do me no favors old chap

Am I the only one who thinks that presents just aren't the same these days? On a tangent, why hasn't Britain learned the art of chemistry yet?

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The Indians are totally getting screwed. Again.

Domain Name ? (Educational)
IP Address 169.203.255.# (U.S. Bureau of Indian Affairs)
ISP U.S. Bureau of Indian Affairs
Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : New Mexico
City : Albuquerque
Lat/Long : 35.0757, -106.6406 (Map)
Language English (United States)
Operating System Microsoft WinXP
Browser Internet Explorer 6.0
Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1)
Javascript version 1.3
Resolution : 1024 x 768
Color Depth : 32 bits
Time of Visit Apr 3 2007 1:13:44 pm
Last Page View Apr 3 2007 1:13:44 pm
Visit Length 0 seconds
Page Views 1
Referring URL porm&FORM=MSNH
Search Engine
Search Words love porm
Visit Entry Page
Visit Exit Page
Out Click
Time Zone UTC-7:00
Visitor's Time Apr 3 2007 11:13:44 am
Visit Number 10,247

How hookers, clowns and bad meat triumphed over Communism

As Yael recently pointed out, teaching history is no longer in vague because it is oftentimes considered boring. Additionally, she reports, anti-Semitic Muslim students were offended by lessons on the Holocaust, which they believe never actually happened.

Now, as anyone who knows me can attest, I harbor a deep-seated fear of offending anti-Semitic Muslims. Hence, we're going to try and keep this short and, you know, inoffensive.

The Uni gave me a three-week vacation which I used to traipse around the neighborhood, starting off in Vienna and winding up, as of yesterday (or the day before? It's 4 AM) in Prague. Prague was perhaps the most intriguing and not only because they speak a language other than the Bad One in Vienna. Prague being in the Czech Republic uses Czech as the official language (shocking huh?) but is jammed with Americans. I have forgotten just exactly what I dislike the most about Americans and the brief conversations with the Prague contingent served as a good reminder.

"What's up?" (Vomiting)
"Not much. So what are you doing here?"

I can't bear to transcribe any more.....retreating into my hermitude, I strolled across the Charles Bridge at night, which everyone should do at least once. Avoid the pickpockets.

Said pickpockets tend to be Gypsies (Roma if you're PC) and tend to be male. The womenfolk are more keen on prostitution. Guess how I know this.

No, not that way. Pervert. Rather, if you cross the Charles Bridge, you will, one way or another, find yourself staring at a yellow-green sign directing you to "the largest Irish pub in Prague". Located in District 1, this is the official start of Prague sleaze. (On a tangent, what east Europe needs is more Irish pubs. Alcohol is in short supply here.) It is in District One, under banners directing you to said Irish pub, that you will have to run the gauntlet of anorexic Roma hookers who, in solidarity with their Asian sisters, greet with cries of "Sucky, sucky?" There were two things I never understood about this set up- how any man would find these women- hard faces, gaunt bodies, interesting abrasions scattered about- the least bit attractive and how anybody could be drawn to cries of "Sucky, sucky"? Further, since you are at a main Prague thoroughfare, do you not die of shame even approaching these women?

Lurking nearby and keeping a watchful eye on the scene are African lads who, failing to follow the lead of the Budapest and Vienna brethren, skipped this whole "refugees seeking honest work" gambit and merely supervise. This would seem an additional disincentive, since these lads do not appear to be overly friendly and- if I may suggest- might be inclined to seek a bonus in addition to the standard hourly rate. (One fun gig in Budapest is to have fetching ladies buy you a drugged drink, watch you wake up and allow their special friend to march you off to the ATM for some extra compensation.)

Anyhoo, all of the foregoing takes place in the large shadow of McDonalds. We are talking about the biggest McDonalds ever- the supersized Donald. Donald takes up half a block and one entire floor of anotherwise dignified building which houses, on the second floor- and I am not making this up- the Museum of Communism. The Museum of Communism, which should really been seen (it's not far from the Charles Bridge) contains tons of delightful Soviet era knicknacks, like Babushka dolls dressed in red (of course.) Nobody really mentioned this, but the irony of it all is breathtaking. I recall one article where the man mentions that he became a capitalist for the sake of chocolate. This was mostly true- my family was big on orange smuggling, but to each their own. Communism didn't fail because people disagree with the ideas behind it but because people wanted a Big Mac. And hookers. So there. You don't learn stuff like this in school huh? (Tangentially, it is the biggest mystery to me that they have kept me for so long.)

Join | List | Previous | Next | Random | Previous 5 | Next 5 | Skip Previous | Skip Next

This RingSurf EducationalWebRing Net Ring
owned by ***Super-Shopping-Mall***.
sponsored by ***Super-Shopping-Mall***.
Sign Up Here: Click Here.