Vices we love: February 2006

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

drinking my dessert

Heaven help me, even the desserts here are soaked in vodka. Guess how I know this...
My friends back in Koreatown have something to say about that too, those mouthy lads....
Think yer too big for us humble hagwon dancin' folk dontcha ya ya fooking bastard with yer fancy theories and shite? Man, lemme tell you, man, that shite don't help none with playing hangman. Man i see-you know what I see! I see mastodons man, mastodons as big as Sonny Liston man! I love ya man! Gimme a ferkin' hug ya bastard!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Snazzy new stuff

I have found a new and excellent resource to enhance my writing. Girls are pretty helps me beat my head against the wall and scream "Why didn't I think of this!" This fits well with my current mood which vacillates between enraged and apathetic. Anyhoo, I pondered what could be done to snazz up this site. It came down to picture of the day or quote of the day, and like the ambitious foreigner I will combine the two. Enjoy:

The doctor told me the good news- they're naming a disease after me.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

I want to break something

Once upon a time, when I was working in Nashville, one of the secretaries said "You are so laid back, I bet you never get angry." Never say never. I want to break something right now. Why? Details will come later but for now, remember this:

There is never a bottom with people. Just when you think you have reached the nadir, the floor drops again.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I have noticed something a smidgen odd...

My father used to say: "Son, don't ever get married. And if you do, don't marry a woman." This limits my choices considerably, but that is not the topic of today.

Rather, it is a peculiar trait I noticed about myself lately. My Special Friend often refers to me as "an odd little man" and really, this is a very perceptive comment. (She's pretty perceptive.) Anyhoo, this trait relates to alcohol.

Poland, like South Korea, values a good drinking binge. I foresee a time in the not-too-distant future when, much like in the States, people in Poland will be completely unable to relate to each other while sober. To help achieve this goal, Polish beer is about 13% alcohol. (American beer is maybe 5-6%) Vodka, the breakfast of East European champions, clocks in at between 40 and 50% alcohol.

With not much to do in our little Polish town now that classes are over and work is, at this point, only a promise (hint: work-study programs work best when we have work to do), we have been Polish-izing ourselves through alcohol consumption. This is pretty new to me and I have a tendency to get mind-numbingly drunk after half a mug of beer or two shots of Vodka. Now, ordinary men might get drunk, urinate on the sidewalk, grope random pensioners and call it a work week. Not I. I, I have noticed, tend to propose marriage to semi-random females. Luckily, they were sensible women from good homes (one of whom has a husband by the way-the devil is in the details, yes?) who turned me down. So I'm doing pretty good so far. But I just had a horrifying thought....

What if someone says yes?
Her, for example

Friday, February 17, 2006

Looking for a few good heart surgeons


We here at Let 'Em Eat Cake-It's Good For Business Heart Clinic are looking for a few good heart surgeouns! We will pay you forty dollars for every operation and if you're not too thorough you can squeeze in four or five a day. We have excellent insurance coverage and have purchased some very powerful people in Congress (we keep 'em tied up in the macine room when they are not in session-take a look!) so it's not really a big deal if the patients expire, just don't make it a habt, ha-ha.

Now, I'm not really a surgeon but years ago I played one on TV- before the sex thing you probably read about in the papers. I'm not really the boss, so it's not sure if I have any business posting this but the boss is a great guy. His name is Mike, and not only is he blonde but he is a Christiain too! :) Wow :) I'm not sure if he is a doctor but that doesn't really matter, does it? Just have fun with the patients and you know, operating, like, successfully, is not all that important just make sure patient happy. Mike makes patient happy. Have you seen his "power suit"? Whoo :)

Now, we promise to pay you every so often and if you can relocate we will have a nice house just for you. But you can't move in until February 4 because we haven't finished killing the mice yet. Do you like mice? We think it's yummy. We think all-together-like! You think like we think, I think- no? Gosh I hope so.

So if this is something "you would be much interested in", send us your resume (no "fitty cent" words pls :) and a color picture along with your insurance info. If you forged your insurance info, it is o.k. We did too. Thanks!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

This says it all

Name one possible error in the following advertisement:

We are schools based on China ,Anhui Prov ,one of my friends he needs a few foreign teacher to do some 2006 summer camp jobs for him ,good pay ,double-way airfare,free accomadation and free travelling (we went to Sigapore last year ) (but you have to be in China or will be in China now :) )

you know most Summer camps always go with fun ,and although no-one really cares about if the students learn anything or not , but we want to develop long-term cooperatoins with you in the future too , and we do care about our students ,and we believe the word of mouth , which means whenever you or your friends have free time during winters or summers , we could always meet and enjoy happy holidays with middle school students and the pay is absolutely not bad for at most 20 or 10 days( one camp duration ) .

You will be teaching all over the China ,after the summer or winter camp , if we have a good time together ,you know the feeling of leaving a bad taste in the mouth ,I believe neither of us like that , and if you want to work with us by long term contract after the camp (if you like us first ) by the way , my friend he will help that too ,he doesn"t really speak English but he is a great guy and a Chrisitian too.

Teacher Qualifications :

we pay more attention on teaching quality so make sure you have" teaching plans" or at least something with you before coming here ,and if you can train our English teachers here that would be more than welcome ,we will be happy to pay you more for teacher training .

If you would like to know more details pls send me Mails

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Why I will not visit your cash advance site despite having a charming, captivate, excellent blog

Having been raised in an unstable environment where a new day often meant a new address and Mondays were always exciting because that was when I would find out what my new school was going to be, I tend to look for stability wherever I can find it. My humble blog (which has much to be humble about) is just weeks away from its one-year anniversary (twelve more years before it becomes a man...or woman...or, in Thailand, both.)

In that time I have written numerous entries and, out of sentimental reasons I tend to read over them every now and then. In looking back I find that nearly all have been commented on. The comments, it seems, all stem from a single site, a cash advance blog. Be it St. Louis or Miami, you are never too far from a generous online benefactor who will give you cash at what I can only assume is a 19,000% interest rate. (Their default rate is virtually zero thanks to the Second Amendment's zealous adherents.)

These generous souls praise my blog as being charming, witty, interesting, etc. After an emotionally deprived childhood I am a sucker for compliments but, if I can ask, please be sincere in doling them out. The sincerity test is as follows:

Ask yourself- if I never manage to piggyback my way to illicit wealth via leaving comments on this site extolling asiatown and his virtues, would I still extoll asiatown and his virtues?

To put another spin on another age old philosophical query....

Kudos to the kids at Fear

Monday, February 06, 2006

A study in contrasts

Remember my Korea physical? Today was the Polish version:

Walk to the office with your fellow foreign rejects. Wait. Smoke a few cigarettes if you would like- the doctor sure does.

Go in. Take off your shirt before the fetching Polish nurses. Get your vitals checked. Answer honestly about your past medical history or lack of. Get government form testilying to your fab health and amazing conditioning. Go home.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Incisive comment of the day award

One of my assignments was writing a so-called "Cultural Autobiography". (Think Steve Martin: "I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. Here's my story...")

Anyway, mine recieved the following feedback from the professor- among others: "You project innocence but are not innocent." (She meant that as a compliment- not everyone else who has made a similar observation meant it beningly.)

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