Vices we love: June 2006

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Introduce yourselves while I'm away

I'm in classes until the end of the month and resolve to be a post-free scholarly wanker. That said, feel free to introduce yourselves in the comments section if you've been lurking.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

This is very confusing for me

From my Yahoo inbox:

Subject: Invitation to join the HearFarrakhanForYourself group

This invitation expires in 30 days. Sunday, 18 June 2006 - 3:48 PM GMT has invited you to join the HearFarrakhanForYourself group!

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

Shalom Aleichem/Peace be unto you.

*You are invited to join this group to hear the life-giving Teachings of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad, as taught by the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan, the National Representative of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad and the Lost-Found Nation of Islam in the West (also known as the Nation of Islam.) The Lost-Found Nation of Islam in the West believes "that Allah (God) appeared in the Person of Master W. Fard Muhammad, July, 1930; the long-awaited 'Messiah' of the Christians and the 'Mahdi' of the Muslims.

"We believe further and lastly that Allah is God and besides HIM there is no god and He will bring about a universal government of peace wherein we all can live in peace together."

At this group, you can hear the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan first-hand, free of any possible second-hand error, or misrepresentation. If you have never heard him for yourself, and you would like to hear him, join this group and you will, God-Willing, learn the Truth about him and gain the benefit that his words can provide.

Thank you for your attention.

Shalom Aleichem/Peace be unto you.

*I am not a member of the Nation of Islam, but I do see Brother Farrakhan as the Brother of the righteous, and more than that.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Take a memo

To: God, Yahweh, etc.
Cc: Satan, Language School Owner, etc.
Bcc: Various rich and amoral people who can buy off the aforementioned
Subject: The FUTURE

Hey there:

Not that I believe in, trust, or even like you, but I suppose that after 28 years we should have a chat. Early attempts to touch base have proven unsuccessful. Perhaps this one is doomed as well, but since I seem to have some skill at writing, maybe I should give it a try.

My wants are simple. I don't recall ever pestering you to become a 6 foot tall millionaire with artifically whitened teeth and a picture-perfect blonde, tanned wife with artificially enhanced hooters. Nor have I asked you to make me king of the underworld, Mr. Universe, or president of Colombia. I sort of felt that the basics- like say reasonably good health and a physically/emotionally whole family would be the sort of every day stuff you were used to. I suppose not. I must say this discovery lowered my opinion of you considerably, but it's water under the bridge right? So let us get down to the business of today and tomorrow and, if I am really lucky, Saturday.

Firstly, don't let me grow old. Fifty is cool. You're old enough to know better but young enough to still be able to fuck things up. Sixty is nice. Preparing for the sunset and whatnot. Good times. Seventy can be okay, assuming you are whole, physically and mentally. Seventy in a wheelchair or with Alzheimer's does not appeal however. Eighty is sorta pushing it, even in the best case scenario. But nonetheless, I am willing to tolerate that grim milestone. Ninety however is a no-no. Don't fuck with that shit. Imagine ninety: You can't move. You can't get it up anymore (unless you're a Texas oilman). Can't think. Can't remember...
Where was I? Hmmm...isolated. If lucky, you sit around all day, watching Colombo with a steady stream of phone calls which, as days pass by, become fewer in number. If not, you're sodomized in a nursing home with a plunger paid for by your steadfastly evaded tax dollars. Pass, okay?

Second, and despite what the spoiled rich white kids who angled legacy scholarships into Columbia and started up groups like the International Socialist Movement, poverty is not cool. It just isn't. If it were, those kids at Columbia would drop out and move into some tent city in the subway tunnel. Do they? I rest my case. Poverty is REALLY not cool if you don't spend your means on pleasures like dope and hookers. If you did, at least you would have something tangible to show for your poverty. But as is, what can you say? "I spent two dollars yesterday and I'm gonna cry."? Nah.

Third, and this is not new, my opinion of people is in a free-fall and has been since I was old enough to be an opinionated little shit. However, you seem to assume that the cause is my ornery Jewness. It is not. It is that PEOPLE ARE SHIT. The examples of their shittiness are simply too numerous to mention and are often not the sort that you can understand- often, people are shitty out of the gratiutous knowledge that THEY CAN BE. This has to change.

I think that kind of covers the basics. If you can make me thirty pounds lighter, six inches taller and slightly less autistic that would be cool but if not, I can probably spin them into assets. Who doesn't want to hang out with Danny DeVito on acid?


Saturday, June 10, 2006

The Asiatown Summer Tour

Dates are subject to change-email for more info

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Motto for today

Every now and then I see/read/hear (sometimes all 3!) something that sums things up perfectly. Such as this tidbit I found online:

"I have gotten a promotion and am no longer between a rock and a hard place but rather between a dog and a fire hydrant."

Saturday, June 03, 2006

I gotta know...

Okay so this blog has a site meter which I check out pretty often. Usually it's a select few readers like Peemil and Adamin, along with a variety of EFL vagrants. A sizeable number are desperate men doing blog searches for sex and porn. (Men searching for giving money away, hiring an apprentice, and finding a hot young stud to do my model wife should also gravitate this way.)

But today, I saw something new. A Canadian IP address that came directly to this page and spent 76 minutes reading it. 76 minutes. That's 3 Paris Hiltons. Who are you, you mysterious, desperate, hopefully wealthy, sexy woman? Who?

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Ladies, I need your advice

I don't know how many of those who read this blog are women, but your input would be appreciated.

Let us assume that you are in a mid-level position at a small University somewhere. Could be somewhere in Poland for all I know. And let's say your boss takes away or somehow screws up your vacation time. After hearing this, you return to your office for a meeting with someone- who could be Asiatown- maybe:

First question- would this news cause you to run up and down the hallway, half-sobbing, half-shrieking "she is not taking my vacation time!"?

Second question- would you then proceed to lock yourself in the bathroom and wail for twenty minutes in the above-described fashion?

Third- would you proceed to the meeting, in tears but no longer hysterical, and ask Asiatown in all seriousness: "What's wrong? You've never seen a woman cry before?"

And finally- what is the appropriate reaction to all this?

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