Take a memo

To: God, Yahweh, etc.
Cc: Satan, Language School Owner, etc.
Bcc: Various rich and amoral people who can buy off the aforementioned
Subject: The FUTURE


Hey there:

Not that I believe in, trust, or even like you, but I suppose that after 28 years we should have a chat. Early attempts to touch base have proven unsuccessful. Perhaps this one is doomed as well, but since I seem to have some skill at writing, maybe I should give it a try.

My wants are simple. I don't recall ever pestering you to become a 6 foot tall millionaire with artifically whitened teeth and a picture-perfect blonde, tanned wife with artificially enhanced hooters. Nor have I asked you to make me king of the underworld, Mr. Universe, or president of Colombia. I sort of felt that the basics- like say reasonably good health and a physically/emotionally whole family would be the sort of every day stuff you were used to. I suppose not. I must say this discovery lowered my opinion of you considerably, but it's water under the bridge right? So let us get down to the business of today and tomorrow and, if I am really lucky, Saturday.

Firstly, don't let me grow old. Fifty is cool. You're old enough to know better but young enough to still be able to fuck things up. Sixty is nice. Preparing for the sunset and whatnot. Good times. Seventy can be okay, assuming you are whole, physically and mentally. Seventy in a wheelchair or with Alzheimer's does not appeal however. Eighty is sorta pushing it, even in the best case scenario. But nonetheless, I am willing to tolerate that grim milestone. Ninety however is a no-no. Don't fuck with that shit. Imagine ninety: You can't move. You can't get it up anymore (unless you're a Texas oilman). Can't think. Can't remember...
Where was I? Hmmm...isolated. If lucky, you sit around all day, watching Colombo with a steady stream of phone calls which, as days pass by, become fewer in number. If not, you're sodomized in a nursing home with a plunger paid for by your steadfastly evaded tax dollars. Pass, okay?

Second, and despite what the spoiled rich white kids who angled legacy scholarships into Columbia and started up groups like the International Socialist Movement, poverty is not cool. It just isn't. If it were, those kids at Columbia would drop out and move into some tent city in the subway tunnel. Do they? I rest my case. Poverty is REALLY not cool if you don't spend your means on pleasures like dope and hookers. If you did, at least you would have something tangible to show for your poverty. But as is, what can you say? "I spent two dollars yesterday and I'm gonna cry."? Nah.

Third, and this is not new, my opinion of people is in a free-fall and has been since I was old enough to be an opinionated little shit. However, you seem to assume that the cause is my ornery Jewness. It is not. It is that PEOPLE ARE SHIT. The examples of their shittiness are simply too numerous to mention and are often not the sort that you can understand- often, people are shitty out of the gratiutous knowledge that THEY CAN BE. This has to change.

I think that kind of covers the basics. If you can make me thirty pounds lighter, six inches taller and slightly less autistic that would be cool but if not, I can probably spin them into assets. Who doesn't want to hang out with Danny DeVito on acid?

Toodles,
A