Vices we love: A love letter

Saturday, August 26, 2006

A love letter

Dear Condee:

Hellooooo! Hellloooo! Over hereeeeeeeeee! No, no, hereeeee! Next to the Tae-dong's, a little lower, a little lower...oh not that low! You make me blush like a schoolboy! Tee-hee!
But seriously Condee, I gotta tell you one thing: I'm in love. I can see you lick your lips, so luscious and yet oy so skeptical. Won't you listen to me?
This dictator thing I do, was all Daddy's idea. It's not the real me. Sure, somedays its fun, like the times when the press calls me a hero and "a peerlessly great man" or eve "God-king", but it's not the real me. I'm an average guy who likes to look after his petunias, hike in the mountains and eat quality beef. Just like my fellow North Koreans you know: except for the beef part. Can you send them some?
I even have personal and family struggles. Did you know that my boy, Kim Jong-Nam, was arrested at Narita Airport in Tokyo for traveling on a forged passport when he wanted to see Tokyo Disneyland? Boy that was an embarrassment! Now, you may think that I dealt with the situation by having my boy, my own precious flesh and blood, shot for making me lose face. Condee! Is that how you see me? Some bloodthirsty monster? Of course not. We went for counseling, just like any other family. Dr. Sung taught us to communicate more openly so that we can share our hopes and dreams and yes, fears and dissapointments. You should see the letters Jongy sends me from the slave labor camp! Such a joy that precious child.
But again, let us talk about you. So strong, yet so sensual. When you open your mouth just a little bit and I hear the words "Axis of Evil" roll off your tongue, I can't help but smile. Yet you, you never smile. Why just the other day, when that man, Chris Matthews, asked on the television if you thought I was sane, you said "I don't know. I've never met the man." And it's true- you and I have never met. There is so much we could do when we do meet. I can offer you some kimchi, maybe we can listen to some music on the radio (please bring a radio) and maybe even canoodle. He-he. But you're not just some sex object to me Condi. Far from it You're a woman of grace, strength and beauty that just radiates from your essence. Perhaps the three of us- you, me and your American passport- could get to know each other better. Please say you'll visit soon. Winter is coming....

Yours with love and passion
God-King the humble


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