How I didn't open a bank account and almost got married on the same day

I live in Hounslow, a suburb in West London. It's probably the most exclusive place I ever lived in. We're talking municipal services here people. And running water. But I digress...

The area is bounded by Osterley Park to the east and the downtown square to the west. It's predominantly Shik Indian so curry is a staple. One of the things you'll find in the UK that's rare in the US is that people generally get along and every so often may even speak to each other. This is huge. Am I right?
Since I just finished the summer camp, I (and this never happens in EFL) got paid for it. What to do with the check tho? I haven't a UK bank account, so I set out to open one.

A Ghanian neighbor of mine, an 11-year veteran of the U.K. advised me to go to the banks with my papers and ask that they open an account for me with an overdraft limit of 1000 pounds. Alfie argued that UK banks, contrary to every other bank in the universe, will gladly open an overdraft account on the spot, allowing me to waltz out with 1000 pounds the same day. This was a new concept at HSBC, National, Bank of Scotland and other establishments and they declined the proposal. Not only that, but they wouldn't even open an account for me, in spite of my passport and rental contract. What to do?

I know! Troll for women. It didn't take long. Jamaican lass- how did I know she was Jamaican? Maybe the cap with the national flag on it and the accent. I asked, in my sweetest European demeanor, if she could help. Sure she could. So off to Western Union we went. Along the way, the two of us became surprisingly intimate. This is quite rare for me and is a definite point in the U.K.'s favor. After three weeks on my own (post-summer camp and supervision), I have several phone numbers from women who are, as we speak, changing their numbers. Still, I have those numbers. It's what matters, nu?

After exploring each other in ways only Desiree could describe adequately,(hint: She actually uttered the phrase "you are being bad") my new friend invited me to her bungalow in a neighborhood adjecent to mine. She had a sister.....

....no this is not what you think. But she did have a sister who already sunk her lovely claws into a lad of Lithuanian extraction and so the four of us got to chatting. Turns out that these ladies are members of the Mormon church. The sister took the lead in socializing with me. Now, I know Mormon's liked to recruit new members, but did not know they were so dedicated. Or...well, the conversation follows.

JG's BLS (Jamaican Gal's Better Looking Sister): (loudly, each syllable excruciatingly enunciated) DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?

TM (Typical Male): No.
JG's BLS: (Eyes wide): NO?!!!!
TM: Nope.
JG's BLS: ARE YOU A VIRGIN?
TM: No.
JG's BLS: OHHHHHH YOU ARE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.
TM: Yup.
JG'S BLS: SO YOU HAD THE SEX???????????
TM: Aha.
JG's BLS: YOU ARE COMING TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY.
TM: Probably not.
JG's BLS: OH YOU AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEE COMING.

This was not the only bone-chilling chat I had that day.

JG: So this is where I live.
TM: Nice.
JG: And you can move into this room here. (Pointing to adjacent bedroom.)
TM: Huh. You don't say.

I wonder if moving into that room without the benefit of marriage would be BAAAAD.