Vices we love: I finally figured out what the donation button is for

Saturday, September 09, 2006

I finally figured out what the donation button is for

I wrote this yesterday afternoon (hence the date). Scroll down for a brief update:

Good people:

Looking at that grey donation button, your hearts filled with longing, you nevertheless wonder: Will I be contributing to Asiatown's degenerate ways if I press said button?

At long last, I can answer you in the negative. A few weeks ago I met a loqatious traffic cop born in Somalia. Ali, a secular Muslim lad, is quite the bright young thing and his idea is to open an after school learning/community center for

Now, I relish impossible tasks as much as the next guy, but how do I pull this off? Any suggestions? Anyone I can turn to in my time of need? Any organizations to contact? We agreed to steer clear of the local mosques, not because I have any problems with them- heck, I even visited one in Seoul- but because, as the lad charmingly put it, they are filled with "crazy, stone-age people". I never did like that Barney.

I'm writing this post on Saturday at about 4 P.M., but won't upload it until I hear back from him via email. If you are reading this, it means that you too can take part in history.

No, I am not one of those tree-hugging sorts who wants to sing kumbaya around the campfire- like Peemil, I'd rather set the entire forest ablaze. Still, isn't doing good while also doing well the ultimate high?


The Somali lad, Ali, expressed mildly anti-Semitic wonder at how "the Jewish people" managed to "be so small yet conquer the world." I think that at long last I have found the answer: It's our Divine email ability.

Email, which can only be found in the Talmud, is this super-secret, coded thingamajig (I would say more but my blood is too thin for a decent matzah ball soup and don't want the Elders to have to go through all that trouble) which allows us to communicate. Like a decoder ring.
Email is closely tied to this nebulous concept called committment. Committment, a word I can't be fucked to spell, refers to the idea- all but lost in 2006- that if you open your maw and promise something, you should follow up on said promise. To marry these concepts, observe the following sentence:

"Mr. Asiatown I promise to email you tonight."-Ali, circa last night.

Here, Ali, who somehow got ahold of that email innovation (Damnation! My blood is totally up for grabs now! I'm coming Ethel!) commits to using that device to contact me within a specific timeframe. Perhaps unwittingly, he has seized upon the key.

And I sit here in my wanna-be all-controlling, not-quite-rich Yiddish glory, I see no email. How can that be? Could it be that only Jews can use this device? Or perhaps that the Jewish mind, being crafty as it is, is the only one which can grasp the idea of following up? Perhaps I and my inbred Hebrew bretheren (can't be fucked to spell bretheren either) are born with a magical organ- right above our forked tongues-that allows us to use email. Oy. Still so much to learn.

I'm on a scientific experiment to see if this is the case. Please press the donation button and follow through on it. The results will be broken down into different categories and analyzed to reveal whether in fact only Yids can get down electronically. I believe that this will benefit all of mankind, which of course I totally own. With interest.


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