Vices we love: For those who may need it

Sunday, July 17, 2005

For those who may need it

I saw this on craigslist about a year ago and just saw it again. I used to have depression (and sometimes still do) and thought it may help some of you.

An interesting New Year thought
I swiped this off CL (Craigslist) I had my share of depression and thought this would help those who may be fighting it.



one year ago today i wanted to die.

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Reply to: anon-21297060@craigslist.org
Date: Tue Dec 23 06:49:08 2003


On December 23, 2002 I was at the bottom of the barrel. I was in my 10th month of jobless desperation. I had enough money in the bank to make one car payment. I had no way to pay my rent in January. My wife was now my ex-wife, and I spent the morning desperately begging her to take me back, desperately begging her to give me another chance to no avail. Just me. My car. My dog. My gun. I got into my car and drove. I wanted to find a quiet isolated spot because I had just about given up on my life and all I wanted to do was die. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and all I could think about was the relief that death offered.

I ended up crossing over the George Washington Bridge and found myself in a park along the Palisades. I wrote a note to my family and my ex-wife. Took a swig of Black Bush whisky, said good bye to the dog, pressed the muzzle of the gun against my temple and I pulled the trigger. Click. Nothing. The gun didn't fire. I left my car and fired against a tree, and a bullet exploded out of the chamber. The gun was fully loaded, yet it only clicked when I tried to shoot myself.

I got back into my car and drove off. I had gone straight to the bottomless pit of my despair and I had landed, and I was still alive. There was no place to go but up.

I went home and checked my mail. In my mailbox was a new credit card with a $2,500 limit. I used it to buy food. And a week later, got a cash advance to pay my rent.

Then a job interview materialized. I had some credit left on my card, and went and bought a new suit. I got the job.

Then I started coming back to life.

I stopped drinking. Clean and sober since January 21.

I stopped smoking.

I started running. I started getting out.

I met a girl. I fell in love.

And now I just got another job offer, making 50% more then I do in my present job.

And to think that one year ago today, I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. Click.

Life has so much more meaning then we ever attach to it.

And its not about the jobs or the money or the love.

Its about who we are and what we make of ourselves and what kind of world we leave behind.

I live for that now. I live to honor my parents. I live for my past. My present and my future.

I live for the woman I love.

I live because my life was meant for me to live.

I don't care about the petty bullshit that occupies this list day in and day out.

What I do care about is that each and every one of you looks in the mirror and finds it in your own hearts to give yourselves a little love.

Because sometimes, thats all we have -- ourselves.

Remember that the next time you are down in the dumps and you feel like your life has no meaning.

Become your own best friend. Save your own life. And LIVE.

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