Vices we love: Author! Author!

Monday, July 11, 2005

Author! Author!

Were it up to me, I would live in Tahiti or Hawaii or some such tropical spot (Jeju Island doesn't count, but Netanya does), walking around in my swim trunks (fruit smoothie in hand) and soaking all day in the ocean. The means for accomplishing this ought to be through writing. I would fire up my laptop, send out my hateful screeds and watch the money roll in. There is only one hitch in this grand plan- though I have been writing a variety of hateful screeds since the tenderly bitter age of twelve, I have made a total of approximately 900 ever depreciating U.S. dollars from writing. 250 of those dollars came from New Voices Magazine which just updated their site. I write all this in case anyone (you know who you are) wants to run a search on my name to find out more. Be warned that the final product, involving Satan, yeshiva butchers and "Nasty Nachum Noodlebaum" has little resemblance to what I originally submitted.

Before that I was a copywriter for Vault.com. The project involved thinking up "catchy" slogans for profiles of different places of employment. I contributed such standbys as Nike ("fifteen cents an hour ain't half bad"), the Kentucky legislature ("dip your toe into the cesspool") and of course Planned Parenthood ("promoting irresponsibility since 1973"). Now that was a fun job.

Alas, for now I am on teaching duty. To enliven proceedings, I asked my Special Friend to talk to the kids. I don't know about them but it was surely the high point of my day.

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