Vices we love: I write letters II: An open letter to my soon to be former Korean co-teacher

Friday, June 03, 2005

I write letters II: An open letter to my soon to be former Korean co-teacher

Hi there:

I know we haven't spoken very much lately (if ever), and seeing as you are leaving in about three weeks time, I would like to leave a little note expressing my appreciation of you, as well as maybe offer you some advice.

See, I think you need some advice: You are my age (A Korean 29) and yet you seem determined to have a stroke within a year. This would not be good for you....

"Oh hi Michelle. I was just writing me...some writings. What's up?"
" you have a second?"
"Sure. Let me finish this sentence, 'kay?"

....and the hand-wringing has gotta go. And the lip biting.

"Oh yes Michelle. How can I help you?"
"Well, you see, a parent called and wanted to know how come her kid is still Asian?"
"Excuse me?"
"See, you have been teaching English here for like a whole month and she was hoping that Chun would have turned blonde and blue eyed by now."
"What the gosh darned heck are you talking about?"
"Blue eyes pretty, see?"

Also, you should grow a spine. You're Korean. The kids are Korean. The principal is Korean. The parents are Koreans. You guys all use chopsticks and squat toilets- hopefully not at the same time- you're no worse than any of them...

"Michelle? Angel?"
"Yes, asiatown?"
"That is, by far, the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard."
"Excuse me?"
"I am here to teach English. Is there anything you want to tell me about, like, the courses?"
"Well, parents, they pay a lot of money, see?"
"A hundred grand is not a lot for keeping Kim Jr. out of their hair for a few hours. We should double it."
"Oh gosh no! We just couldn't..."
"Sure we could."
"Oh wilickers...I just, um...could not..."
"Well how about if we tell them that I won't come in anymore until the rates double?"
"Bye asiatown."

Whew, you do scare easily, don't you? Really, don't be like that. See, I am not Korean. I could live here until I'm 90, marry a Korean woman (heaven forbid!) and spawn a dozen Lil' Kims but will never, ever be a member of the tribe. At least not this tribe. But you? You're a natural babe! The regulation length black hair. The lifeless gray suit. The lack of even the slightest tantalizing got it all. You even speak the lingo, so to speak. So what's stopping you? Speaking of which, what is that noise...

"Dear sweet mother of Goddess..."
"Hi asiatown. I guess the kids are a little rowdy huh? Ha-ha..."
"Seth, climb out of the garbage can. Chun don't you dare hit Luke. I said don't you dare! You little turdball...Sohn why are you crying sweetie? Yes, I know Chun touched your hair with a bargepole. Don't be like that. Aww now..."

.....hey listen toots, I just changed my mind. You're not fragile. You're lazy. I can see the Visa on your desk and the phone cradled by your ear. I know women. (This is a lie. I know jackal squat about women.) You're buying shoes while the little runts are on a rampage? How dare you! This is going in your permanent record young lady! I'm sure the semi-democratic people's republic of korea keeps permanent records for lower caste young women like you and this is going right there. As soon as they allow non-Koreans access to government buildings.

(Note: this is actually satire. She is a sweetie. A little lazy, a little neurotic and positively el sucko at classroom control but sweet. On the offchance that you know me and know her don't dare mention it. I got, like taekwondo connections.)


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