Loneliness and aloneness
I'm an only child and because of a childhood stroke spent years in and out of schools, hospitals, etc. I got pretty used to not fitting in, being weird and generally having a grand time by myself.
As I got older, I noticed that most people- people who professed, as one fella on Long Island did about five months after we met- "I love you man!" actually could give a shit about you. When push comes to shove, you have no one in the world to turn to but yourself. I remember coming back prematurely from China (where I was on a tourist visa and too dumb/ignorant to demand a work visa) and calling the 110 numbers I had stored in my cellphone. I finally managed to find a place to crash (a religious commune) but not before dozens of "Sorry man" "Tough break man" "Wanna help but can't help man".
So I grew to accept that wether it's just my own peculiarities or because of modern social ethics, I'll likely be alone for good. Still, that wears on you sometimes-like it did today when I sat on a park bench wondering about life. (Never a healthy preoccupation).
posted by asiatown77 @ 14:03
3 Comments:
Yes- in a way, it was like a burden being lifted- no reason to stick around and twiddle my thumbs while waiting for job interviews that would never come. But also no because I sort of feel like an economic refugee here- stuck on the peninsula because my white face and modest English-language skills makes me desirable and therefore relatively affluent, a situation that would not materialize if I went home.
In some ways it's like being suspended in a volatile solution. More often than not I feel like all that I am is oil in the water of Korea, and we will never completely mix. It's extremely isolating, but there's something in it that will either propel you to a deeper understanding of yourself or push you into despair. I vote for the former, but to grasp it is to surrender to the reality of oil and water. This feels in every way like compromise and defeat, but it's not. It's growing.
Ahh but what means to surrender to the reality of oil and water grasshopper? And as someone who has been hailed for "blending like butter" (an agonizing transliteration), the whole oil/water concept is alien.
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