Not minority enough darn it

After 400 years too disgusting to describe, the U.S. decided to atone by treating minorities, Blacks in particular, as too stupid to succeed on the merits. Hence the newfangled idea of "minority scholarships". The sticky point of course is who counts as a minority. I knew a kid whose parents were from Puerto Rico so he applied to the U of Miami as a minority since he was a non-Cuban Hispanic. And do Mexicans count? Is the War of 1812 worse than the 200 years before it? What if I'm from Paraguay, do I count as a minority? And Asians? Everybody likes Asians. Even Reagan liked them. Well, I figured that if that's how the game is played, I'd be the best minority out there, so I pulled the Heeb card. After all, Jews are 2% of the population, a statistical minority. Sadly though, that doesn't count. This confuses me to no end. If I move to Iran will I get a minority scholarship? I'll keep you posted.